It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
