i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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