Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
