Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
