Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Text me some of your sweat
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
