In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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