some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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