How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
