I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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