Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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