Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I fill condoms, not promises.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
