She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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