I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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