like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
