My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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