We're like a lot better than the average bears
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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