too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
