Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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