It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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