U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A bitchslap is in order.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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