I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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