I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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