I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
