I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
