he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
