Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
