i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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