My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
