I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
birth control should be required to get into college
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
we should paint friendship bongs
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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