Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dignity is for republicans.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
