Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
