Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
