Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
