its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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