just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
