It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
