Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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