My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
