Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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