Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was like eating out sand paper
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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