3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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