She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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