he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
