i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
