What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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