I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
