You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
