i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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