literally had 100 drinks last night.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
