i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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