If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
