Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
